Axé All Day

S1E10: I, Imposter (Quit)

• Andrew Carroll • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Ever felt a cold, gripping fear clawing at your heart, trying to drown you in a sea of doubts and insecurities? If your answer is yes, then this episode is for you. We begin by diving into my personal journey where fear and its harrowing cousin, terror, took center stage. Poetry, as you’ll see, is my vehicle of expression and I share my poem, "Wallflower," inspired by a DJ set, that metaphorically lays bare my struggles and eventual triumph over these emotions. The key takeaway—fear and terror, however menacing, do not define us or our paths!

Our conversation evolves and we tackle the Goliath that is imposter syndrome. You wouldn't think, as I share experiences from writing my first book and leading postal operations at Ramstein Air Base, that this was ever a struggle for me. Thanks to the unwavering support of mentors like Brandon Allen from New Work Revolution, these experiences have been my stepping stones to overcoming this challenge. We also delve into the bittersweet journey of quitting a project that was dear to me. It was a hit to my self-esteem, but the lessons learned were priceless and pivotal for my growth.

We wrap up our chat by celebrating the joy that is rhyming and freestyle—a beautiful reminder to stay present and appreciate the moment. I share how quitting and heartbreak can surprisingly pave the way for better opportunities and how the end of a relationship can open numerous doors of possibilities. This episode is a testament to the fact that self-growth, resilience, and courage can guide us on the path to overcoming any challenge that life throws at us. So, strap in and join me on the Axé All Day Podcast for this enriching discussion, and remember to keep the podcast family close because, at the end of the day, the work is about being present without judgment.

Shoutouts & Thanks (IG Handles):
@santamaria_r10
@nocheslucidas
@topsytish
@yesmusicseattle
@nudamusic
- check out her music video "All In Your Head"
- https://youtu.be/amc2-nh0gtc
- shot and edited by @skyewarden1
@dexter_deam for reminding me to keep that taste out of my mouth
@newworkrevolution
@b160Allen
@norrisfrederick
@embracingthejourneypod

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Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, yes, oh, my goodness, so happy, so happy every time this comes on, because we know, we know that what's coming next is the Ashe All Day Podcast family. I'm so happy to have you here. We're just making some adjustments on this, this camera here, but we'll probably be. I'll probably use this one that I'm looking at and chop this up. So there we go. It's a little better, it's a little better. Yeah, all right, awesome, oh, okay.

Speaker 1:

So, look, haven't recorded in a few days. Maybe you're wondering why? Well, i'll be honest with you. There is a tendency inside of me to work really hard and get a little bit exhausted, and in the past I maybe would have been like you know what I am. I'm exhausted and I'm just I quit, right, and we're going to be talking about some imposter syndrome today and we're going to be talking about quitting today. That's really what's coming up for me, and we'll just start with that. But first, what we're actually going to do we're actually going to start with is a poem that I wrote that I would love to share with you guys, and it's called Wallflower. So I will give you a little background on where this poem came from.

Speaker 1:

I was out this weekend went and saw an incredible DJ. Dj Santa Maria used to play soccer for the Seattle Sounders. Great human being. Met him after his set, got some pictures, quick chit, chat, but just the medicine that he was providing to all of us that night was just so incredible. And when you're in that environment there can be a tendency to for some people I noticed they'll just pull off and they just sit on the sidelines all night. And that's what inspired this, this poem. So just join me in this moment, invite you to drop into your body with the breath, close your eyes, let go of that stress, let go of that tension, let it out, exhale that poison, inhale and fill your body with love and light. Make the invitation right now, in this moment.

Speaker 1:

It's beautiful Wallflower, the demise of a wallflower, it is the death of us all. To sit on the sidelines as the world unfolds. This is the lost city of Atlantis. We are the bones foundation. Break us again and again in order to level up the field of play. We are Ache all day. Let us play Bigger, bolder. Every single day. Here comes in this place. We stand and embrace, integrate with love, finally understand. We've been in community with wallflowers And I am the weeping willow, tears of joy Take refuge in the shade of my eternal medicine. Take refuge in the shade of my eternal medicine.

Speaker 1:

So that came to me after feeling a very intense wave of fear and terror in the night Yes, a moment where I felt like nothing I do matters, that everything is empty and meaningless, that relationships and the narrative that is constructed is destructive, that this path is lonely, full of terrors, and then I'm not what I think I am or who I claim to be. And in that utter horror, in this EDM club, i'm dancing out spirits and energy and making new friends and connections and building relationship and living in my truth. These feelings still came up, and here's the beauty of the work is that in that moment where I was experiencing an emotional dying, a horror and fear that rippled through my body and my reality and immediately painted it darker and homage to Leonard Cohen I continued to move forward on my path. Do you see, this is the nature of the work When everything feels as though it means nothing and you have this absolute horror rolling through your body, you can choose to be present with it and still choose to come back to the moment, to resource in your body to find your happy place, while still honoring that fear and terror.

Speaker 1:

Being an entrepreneur can be scary. Being in an EDM club surrounded by strangers can be scary. Being alone can be scary, especially in our society that pushes relationship and being with someone else in order to create value and codependency and so many other things. It can feel scary, but the work helps us know that those feelings might be our reality in the moment. Yes, this is scary. So what? So what?

Speaker 1:

It is terrifying to make this podcast and put my opinions out into the world, but every time I sit down and do it, i feel like a little kid. It is joy, it is abundance. In this moment, i channel spirit. It is so good, it is so good And you can do that too. That is your birthright To keep making moves, to keep living life, to keep being present in the moment and to experience that horror and fear. Because they will tell you what, as soon as I got through that layer and it was quick that is the other nature of the work is that these layers will flash. They are not permanent. The only permanent thing is impermanence. The only constant is change. So on the other side of that fear layer, that horror, that fucking death.

Speaker 1:

Oh man, i had the best night. I had the absolute best night. Truly, it was so good So much dancing, so much movement, so much connection, so much joy and tenderness and relating. I made some new friends who aren't even from here. They're from Dallas. I made a deeper connection with an incredible music producer named Tish, who is from Yes Music Productions absolutely phenomenal human being, so incredible, and that led to an amazing birthday party at the home of the musician Nuda. I'm going to link her stuff in this. You got to check her out. Absolutely phenomenal and one of the most premium human beings I've ever met, absolute sweetheart. And when she gets on stage, wow, she transforms into this monolithic beast mode, absolute, just divine being. So check that out. She's got a show coming up here in Seattle on the 17th of August. You'll catch me there for sure And I'm just, i'm super excited, i'm so stoked.

Speaker 1:

So in that experience of fear, there is the opportunity to be present with that, to grow, to flex some muscles, to get a little bit more comfortable with being in those places, to integrating that darkness and then to making the conscious decision to really, you know, like, okay, i've felt this for five, 10 minutes. I've honored it, i've been present, i'm no longer spiritually bypassing because I've been doing my work and I listened to the Oshay All Day podcast about spiritual bypassing. So I used those tools and now I'm in a place where I can really be so juicy in this fear and in this present moment and then just move forward into this joy, because it's waves, baby, it's all waves, everything. It's not permanent And I mean there are depressive episodes that feel like they will go on forever. But that is again the nature of the work of like, how do I keep it moving when I'm feeling so depressed and I'm feeling like I don't have anything to give? And that comes down to discipline and some other things.

Speaker 1:

But today we're talking about quitting, an imposter syndrome. So I've just shared a lot with you. I have just shared a lot with you And I just want to make sure that it is is this recording? Yeah, okay, so crazy. So yeah, we've got imposter syndrome and we have quitting, and we'll talk about quitting first. Actually, let's talk about imposter syndrome first, because I think that imposter syndrome has the potential to drive people to quit, yeah, so I think that's a it'll be a good natural segue I'm sure you're familiar with imposter syndrome. If you're not, here's a quick breakdown.

Speaker 1:

Imposter syndrome is the condition wherein you feel like you're an imposter, that you're pretending that it's just an act, that there's a falseness to everything that you do. That could be at work. I've experienced it in many ways. Let me give you some examples. When I published my first book, the Three Eyes man, that night I didn't get any sleep. I poured my heart into that and it's it's short, but I laid out very honestly how poorly I had shown up in relationships, how I had been an unfaithful spouse, how I had just really dishonored myself. But I didn't fully have an understanding of what that was doing to me personally. I knew in some ways, but now I've matured more, i've done more work on myself. I've gotten a deeper, more intimate understanding of what relationships are. But the night that I published that and I worked with a coach to do that first book and some things like that And it's gotten great reviews. It's a quality, it's a quality offering.

Speaker 1:

But I did not feel like who. I felt like who am I to tell this story, which is ridiculous, right, because it's my story. Who else could tell it? But that was really one of the narratives, one of the stories going on in my head was like who am I to tell this story? Who am I to say these things? Who am I to give anyone this advice? And that goes, i mean, even further.

Speaker 1:

I was the director of postal operations at Ramstein Air Base and I had a huge team, largest military postal operation on the planet And I just I felt like I couldn't do anything right And that's kind of the nature of that beast. But it was a combination of that feedback where my work product was being accepted, everything was buttoned up and dialed in And I knew my regulations and rules and what was expected of me And I did my best to show up powerfully and intentionally, but I just I didn't fit into the system And that was to my detriment. They could never get me on any of my work product. But just like personality conflict, wise it was. It was not a win for me And that's okay.

Speaker 1:

I learned a lot, but it brought me to a point in time where I began to question everything about everything that I had learned at a really high level about management and leadership and team building and communication, and these are kind of my greatest strengths Like it was. It was crazy, and so There were some things I did to try to validate myself. One of them was that I finished a master's degree. I started and finished a master's degree in management and leadership through Western Governors University a great program and I did that one faster than anyone has ever completed the program. It's self-paced and it is very robust. Some people tried to tell me that I couldn't have possibly gotten anything out of that education, and I'm like man.

Speaker 1:

I picked a topic that I already knew a lot about. I've had incredible mentors. One of them is Brandon Allen, and he's from New Work Revolution. Check out his podcast on it. It's all about leadership. He taught me so much and I worked directly for and with him for a couple of years, and then our relationship has continued on and into the future, into this present moment. Even If I were to pick up the phone and call Brandon right now, he may or may not answer, but he would get back to me and we would set up a connection. It's beautiful. He has been there for me and I learned so much from him and I respect him so deeply.

Speaker 1:

So I picked a topic and a graduate program that I already knew a ton about and I had experience with all of it, so that helped me in a huge way to complete the program very quickly. Also, it is a very written focused program, so I had to write a ton. But that is a strength of mine I am very well written and I can write about a topic that I know a lot about very quickly. So that really helped me complete the program in a very timely fashion. So that was all for me, and I expended so much time, attention and energy to validating myself through a graduate level program of education in order to be like yo. I'm clearly not a bad manager or leader. I have a master's degree in this topic. What is going on here And what that did was furthered my level of confusion in that situation. So feeling like an imposter Yeah, so that should make sense now.

Speaker 1:

So just feeling like an imposter in the imposter syndrome is feeling like you're more or less not good enough, that you can't show it powerfully, that you don't know what you're doing, even if you do. And how does that actually manifest? Well, if you have this internal narrative running that says over and over and over and over and over again you're not good enough, i'm not good enough, i can't do this, i don't know what to do. I don't listen to that. That'll beat you down. It will truly beat you down.

Speaker 1:

It is difficult to manage, especially when you start to believe it. That's when you really get into the wickets and the weeds and man you loved ones. You've got to keep your garden clean. You've got to do the work to keep your garden clean, and it's not always easy. It is not always easy But it does require you know a really disciplined self care routine.

Speaker 1:

Some of my mentors recommend a morning power hour. That's, i'm not really. I say I'm not a morning person. Therefore I am not a morning person. But I can get up, like you know, when I really make the decision, like, all right, i'm doing the morning thing. Now I'm up at five, i'm at the gym by 530, i'm cooking breakfast, i'm doing, i'm doing my mobility, all those kinds of things. I hit my morning, hit the ground running, get in that audible book while I'm working out at the gym so I can just work out the brain at the same time. And these are all means of combating. Actually, let's not combat it, because what we want to do is integrate things. We want to open our arms. We want to love and embrace these challenging opportunities for growth. That is, that is our, that's our goal. That is what we're doing, and so we want to integrate this imposter. Everything is there, trying its best to help us.

Speaker 1:

So what's acting out of shadow in this moment? What is it? childhood trauma? Is it mother, father, wound? What is it? Is it someone said something to you when you were a kid, or maybe when you were in junior high or high school of college? What is it? Are you able to do that work and find that root cause, to get clear on what it is that is driving this imposter syndrome? Are you able to invite that imposter syndrome in to sit by your fire and to really ask it what do you need? How can I help you? What does it look like to be working together to create this safety? Can you show me And in doing that, you'll be able to get more clear on things that you can do to help eliminate that process that, excuse me, to eliminate or to integrate that experience And in so doing, you will be able to level up your game?

Speaker 1:

Now, talking about quitting, and this is something that I've learned from several mentors, very successful people. There is no shame in quitting. I'm gonna say this again There is no shame in quitting. I have quit so many things. I quit my job in Germany. I have quit plenty of other jobs. I've quit businesses that I've started. I've quit opportunity. I've quit relationships. I quit when things that I do are not things for me. Sometimes that can be really hard to admit. Sometimes, when you're like eyeballs deep in a relationship with somebody and you've invested all the time and you have these trauma bonds, it can be hard to quit those relationships. It can be hard to quit a job that's not serving you. It can be hard to quit an activity or a sport or something that you have that you did make a commitment to do. It can be hard to quit writing a book or trying to start a business. But here's the thing If it isn't serving you and it's not bringing you joy and you you've tried it, you've sampled it and you're like I don't like the way this tastes, then why would you keep eating it?

Speaker 1:

I gotta give a shout out to Dexter for saying that last night he was sharing with me about an experience he had. It involves some blue, neon glowing clowns and a saxophone. He was like it was like I had taken a bite. I didn't like how it tastes, i spit it out. I was like dude, that's actually a really profound way to think about that. I love that. Now I get to pass that knowledge on to you. It is literally like there's all these experiences in life that are out there for us to partake in, to taste, touch, smell, feel, experience, sense, listen to all, all of the sensations being with it energetically. You may have noticed, okay, so here's a perfect example.

Speaker 1:

And there was some shame in this for me. Oh, man, there was some shame in this for me. I was meant to lead a black masculinity four week series in coordination with a with an organization here in Seattle, and we had a few meetings beforehand. did the outline, had the program built all that stuff, set the price point, didn't sell a single ticket. Yeah, didn't sell a single ticket, and I've been.

Speaker 1:

I was ashamed of that. There was some some. A part of me took that as a message of my value, like, no one believes in me, no one thinks I'm worthy, the organization that I had partnered up with doesn't see my value. But none of those things are true. What could be true is that I haven't established enough trust in the local community or in that specific community or that demographic, whatever you want to call it, to put a $250 price tag on a four week series. Maybe that's the case. That could be true. I'm pretty new to the scene out here. People don't know me, and that's fine, that's okay. But I got to be honest, i did, i felt like a failure in that And we sort of quit that relationship And I haven't pursued that series since then. But so many other beautiful things have come up And I don't I did. I quit that Like, yes, i didn't sell tickets, but I could have kept trying to relentlessly pursue that thing.

Speaker 1:

That could have become the thorn in my side or my you know, my Don Quixote monster right that I just pursue relentlessly. But that wouldn't serve me. Like I did my toe out, i put out some feelers, we saw what was happening. The market wasn't there for me in this particular moment And so, okay, it's time to pivot. It would have taken a lot of my time, a lot of my time. I wouldn't have been able to go to the birthday party that I went to yesterday. I wouldn't have been able to go out to see DJ Santa Maria And so many other things I would have missed out on the Harbor Island studio grand opening, the open house, which was incredible. I got to hang out with my amazing friend Asher, got connected with a 48 hour film project team. I'm super excited for that. And so there are so many things that have come to fruition.

Speaker 1:

Because that opportunity resolved in a quitting And you may be like, well, you didn't quit, it just didn't work out, like okay, well, either way, i did kind of quit because a week or two before there were no ticket sales And I was like we need to just pull the plug on this. People are interested. We priced it too high And my heart wasn't in it And the universe or creator source, whatever you want to say knew that, knew that Right now, in this moment, that is not what I meant to do. And I had an experience a weekend ago, right before the fourth of July, i went to a summer night Moonbloom festival. That that is an incredible festival put on by a leecho tree just a beautiful human being and the people of conscious community that I connected with there a lot of them from my ecstatic dance community it was absolutely incredible And I got some downloads And one of them was work harder.

Speaker 1:

But I've been sitting with that And it's just like yo. That is a freaking story that runs in my head constantly, constantly, constantly. I'm pushing myself, i do this podcast, i'm editing a book, i'm writing a book, i'm constantly writing poetry, i'm in an advanced software development boot camp learning Python. We've got group projects this week And there are so many other. I'm networking and connecting and I'm learning. There are so many things that I'm doing doing doing doing.

Speaker 1:

So. This message of like you need to work harder. I was like, oh man, but I'm working so hard already And what. What I really came to with that is getting more clear, kind of on my self care practice, my spirituality work, but also just being a bit more intentional with what I'm doing and where I'm giving my energy. I was also given the message to stop seeking collaboration in so many ways. I can totally run a men's group, but I need to do that on my own. I don't want or need to partner with an organization in order to do that, and that's the lesson that's come out of what I consider quitting that engagement.

Speaker 1:

So and it goes even like with with our kids. So many people teach their kids oh, you can't quit, you got to stick with it. You made a commitment, you got to, or we, we won't quit relationships. And that's super toxic. Why would you continue to be with somebody you don't want to be with? It's not good for anyone, it's not good for anybody. But we have these stories and these operations and these expectations that are just running our lives, that have been there since youth. You can't quit the basketball team, you can't quit playing football, and it teaches you like you have to stick with these things and be miserable even if you're miserable.

Speaker 1:

And our traditional education system facilitates this entire process. Right, and then that bleeds into well, i got it, i have this job. I should be grateful for it. Well, don't they treat you like garbage, they don't pay you very well and you're totally unsatisfied. Yeah, but I've got these responsibilities And you can't meet your responsibilities if you're not taking care of yourself. And so that's kind of the message that's come up for me is to be taking care of myself, to take a deeper look at my ruthless commitment to my purpose.

Speaker 1:

I am in this software development bootcamp and I'm looking at it and trying to analyze, like, how am I showing up here? I'm giving it my best right now. My grades are good. It's a very demanding program, it's incredibly demanding, but does it fit with my purpose? Or am I just? am I being? am I in a state of fear or an experience of fear and working on a plan B in case this doesn't work out? You know well what if it doesn't work out.

Speaker 1:

So what Do I love doing this? Yeah, i do, i really do, and I hope what I'm sharing with you makes an impact, so that, in and of itself, is working out for me, and then, in that, i hope that it is working out for you, because that is the whole point of why I'm here and why this brings me joy. If I've already made the mistake and I can offer you an opportunity and an invitation to take a look at the mess that I had made in my life and maybe help you make some different decisions, or to see that heartbreak as an opportunity, or to see that walking away from that job as the catalyst that catapults you into a thousand X times better life and opportunity. Every closing of a relationship is 50 other doors opening to possibility, every single one. I hope that you can carry that with you today as we part ways. My goodness, this is so much fun, so much fun, and I hope that you guys enjoy it too. Our time together is so important to me And you got that happy saxophone that just comes to it. It gets me every time. It really does So.

Speaker 1:

Do we want a freestyle right now? Is it coming up? Let's see, let's see what we got. I'll say all day, you know it's the way I'm coming up and there is no way that I'm gonna fall right flat on my face. I'm picking up the mace and I'm going out of pace. That's a little slower, a little bit rewind, and I don't know why. It's movie recording time and it says it's been stopped automatically. The maximum recording time has been reached.

Speaker 1:

So I was looking over here when the message popped up and I was like, oh no, it's a little interruption of what I'm doing. I'm over here. Volcano, flowing lava, magma you know that, oh, it gets a little hot in here. Can you experience self judgment with me in this moment? My rhymes should be fire. Oh, my goodness, is this another story that puts me on a funeral pyre, when I'm looking like a little bit of a liar? I know that I want to flow a little bit slow, so here we go and break it down low. Oh, that is the happy saxophone. And you know that I love to lay the bone down for a dog to have a treat. You know that I'm so good in the street, so here we go is smiling flow. And I know that when I light up I glow. So everybody wants to move their feet and do this dance like yeah, it's a shit. All day podcast. I love you, family. I'm such a beautiful time.

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Andrew Carroll

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